Friday 22 October 2010

Universe in equilibrium as Mancunians return to loathing Scousers


The universe has returned to its former state of equilibrium as Mancunians returned to their natural state of despising all scousers, even millionaire footballing ones.

After a number of fans surrounded the home of scouser Wayne Rooney, Manchester academics said it showed that no matter how hard we try, the Universe will always returns to it’s natural state.

Professor Williams of Manchester School of Relationships told us, “The universal laws of physics are proper laws – not silly ones like speeding and tax evasion – you simply can’t break them.”

“And when universal physics dictates that Scousers and Mancunians must hate each other, then hate each other they will. Eventually.”

“Sure, there are occasional anomalies brought on by vast swathes of cash and kicking a ball about, but it always returns to equilibrium in the end, with equal amounts of hatred on each side of the M62/M6 interchange.”

Wayne Rooney

The new-found hatred of Wayne Rooney for saying the same thing about Manchester United that most Manchester United fans have been saying for three years, has not surprised most Mancunians.

Lifetime Salford resident Shane Gallagher told reporters, “It never seemed right, having all these Mancs pouring all this affection over a scouser like Rooney.  It felt wrong, like taking a bath with your sister. Except with balls.  No, hang on, that didn’t come out right.”

“Anyway, all scousers are scum.  Except for those scousers that we might choose to sign at some point in the future, and until they happen to express a sentiment shared by almost everyone associated with the club.”

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