Thursday 21 October 2010 By Gary Stanton

Gene therapy to help people get totally bladdered for less money


Experts say the discovery of a “tipsy” gene that explains why some people get drunk quicker than others may one day pave the way for treatments allowing people to get totally arseholed for less than a fiver.

The gene, known as CYP2E1 lies on chromosome number 10, but scientists stressed last night that that you don’t want to be bothered about stuff like genes and that.

Lead researcher Professor Kirk Wilhelmsen said, “Seriously, I know me and you may have had our difficulties in the past, but you – yeah you – are my best fuckin’ pal in the whole wide world you know that?”

He went on to suggest that all this science was thirsty work and to come here and give us a kiss and that if we were quick enough we could probably make it down to the Dog & Duck just in time for last orders.

Tipsy Gene

Researchers made their discovery by studying 200 pairs of student siblings who had one parent whom they would describe as a ‘piss artist’.

The students were then given a heady mixture of absinthe, WKD and Bacardi Breezer with the effects monitored at regular intervals.

Those who had the gene performed better at a range of tasks including karaoke, talking loudly about philosophy while using an ATM, and transporting a fellow student across a busy dual carriageway using a shopping trolley.

Those lacking the tipsy gene exhibited far greater tolerance to alcohol but were much less fun to be around.

Professor Kurt Wilhelmsen continued, “‘The hope is that in these straitened times, CYP2E1 type drugs can be developed ..hic.. not as a prevence.. preferential.. preventative measure against alcoholism, but as a means of getting completely arseholed three times a week for the price of a fish supper.”

“Sadly, we’ll have to leave it there as I appear to have urinated in my trousers again.”

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