Friday 15 October 2010 By Gary Stanton

Gays in US military to be allowed to drop massive hints


A US judge will today consider whether to overturn the controversial Don’t Ask Don’t Tell ruling on gays serving in the military in favour of a more considered approach to rampant homophobia.

Current US law severely discriminates against flamboyant gayness of the Quentin Crisp variety, equating effeminacy with an inability to hold a  heavy machine gun long enough to fire off twenty rounds into the torso of a passing Afghan civilian.

The rules are based on a passage in the Bible’s Leviticus comic pull-out section which pours scorn on the idea of metrosexuals.

One former soldier told us, “It clearly states that if you have ten men fighting in a trench, the one statistically likely to be gay will attempt to sodomise you during a brief lull in fighting.”

“Or maybe mistake your generous offer to share a tin of corned beef as an invitation to indulge in an amyl-drenched gang bang.”

Gays in US Military

A proposed liberalisation of the policy will see serving gays allowed to come out in a fashion which bigoted hetero comrades will instantly recognise from ‘outrageous’ US sitcoms.

The new atmosphere will permit serving gays to drop the strongest of hints as to their sexual preference, without all the awkwardness that comes from an explicit admission of homosexuality.

A leaked policy document suggests that gays will be advised to drop hints such as “I think Jack looks real nice in those shades” or “Hand to hand combats situations are inherently homoerotic would you not agree? Not that it would appeal to me, but in the heat of battle you can’t rule anything out.”

Arch-conservatives have resisted any change to the law, with borderline headbanger Newt Gingrich claiming that gays tend to squeal when a bomb goes off, alerting the foe to the position of allied forces, and often insist on wasting precious time administering first aid when it isn’t strictly necessary.

US Defence Secretary Robert Gates last night strongly opposed the move insisting it would have enormous consequences for the ability of US forces to secure vital oil supplies in sovereign states.

Addressing a packed conference he said, “It is a mistake to think that the national interest can be defended by heavily-oiled US soldiers insouciantly puffing on a cigarette while wearing one of those low cut string vests – you know the kind which go right down to the navel affording you a view of his washboard abdomen.”

‘Now, if you will excuse me – it’s been a long and difficult day.’

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