Thursday 14 October 2010 By Spacey

Queen to employ staff to make sacrifices on her behalf


The Queen has scrapped a Christmas party for her staff after the “difficult financial circumstances” facing everyone else in the country provided her with the perfect excuse not to spend time with ordinary people that don’t talk properly.

At previous Christmas parties the Queen, Prince Philip and other members of the Royal Family have mixed with staff, and have been known to wash themselves and tuck themselves in, in order to give staff a break.

The 600 members of staff who would have attended the party have said they have mixed feelings over the cancellation.

“The party is usually good fun, but the cleaning up all the bloody mess the next day was a nightmare.” Said Kate Hedges, whose job it is to cut up Prince Edward’s food into bitesized pieces.

“I think it’s nice that in recognition of the hardships workers around the country are currently facing, that she’s decided to inflict some further hardship on those workers in her direct employ.  It’s very generous.”

Queen’s Christmas Party

Marcus Willingham, who is employed to wipe Prince Phillip’s arse every hour on the hour said, “The Queen’s party is the one time that I’m called Marcus, and not ‘that chap that wipes Phillip’s arse’.

“On the downside though, the state of Prince Phillip’s anus after I’ve had a few hours off tends to take the shine off things for me.”

“I understand it because we’ve all had to tighten our belts this year – well, not Prince Philip, someone does that for him – and so if the Queen has to keep hold of some of the money we gave her in the first place, then so be it.”

Henry Williams only joined the Buckingham Palace staff on Monday and told us, “It’s been a tough week, basically my job is to be on the payroll and be denied a series of thing to make it look like the Queen is doing her bit.  I’m her proxy-sufferer, if you will.”

“Christmas bonus? No, I’m forgoing one on the Queen’s behalf.”

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