Thursday 14 October 2010

Police using Twitter to show Manchester is a crime-ridden shit hole


Greater Manchester Police are using Twitter as part of a 24-hour experiment to show just how much of a crime-ridden shit hole the north-west’s biggest city actually is.

The force’s Twitter feed is being updated every few seconds with crimes being attended to by Greater Manchester Police, allowing anyone thinking of visiting the area to change their mind immediately.

A police spokesperson said, “Our research has shown that people still think of Manchester as a vibrant, friendly place, that isn’t populated by people that would rob you blind so much as look at you.”

“This project will do much to change that perception.  Even as I’m talking to you we’ve logged another five calls on our 999 number.  It’s incessant.  Literally.”

“If you thought Twitter was merely a tool used by the socially-inept to tell people what sandwich filling they were having for lunch, then let this be a lesson to you.  It’s educational, too.”

Manchester Police on Twitter

Students across the country had organised a mass drinking game based on tweeted calls to police, but this was abandoned at 9:04am as hundreds students suffered alcohol poisoning.

A student spokesperson said, “We knew there’d be a few crimes reported, but we hadn’t expected there to be quite so…many.”

“I live over a hundred miles from Manchester, but I’m adding extra locks to my door this evening.”

Manchester criminals have already begun re-tweeting crimes for which they are responsible, in an attempt to gain more followers in the criminal fraternity.

21 year-old Joey Gallagher told us. “Did you see ‘Call 528 – report of a burgalry at sports club in Stockport’ – yeah?  That one was mine. Nice one.”

However Manchester resident Sean Riley defended his city, telling us, “The only reason they’re doing it here is because if they tried to put all Liverpool’s crime on Twitter the planet would spend the day looking at a bloody Fail Whale.”

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