Wednesday 13 October 2010 By Spacey

Cuts could leave UK open to giant gorilla attack, warns RAF


A senior RAF officer has warned that cuts to military aircraft numbers would leave the UK vulnerable to attack from a giant gorilla that could be brought here from an as yet undiscovered island where prehistoric creatures still roam.

Air Marshal Timo Anderson, director general of the Military Aviation Authority, addressed MPs in a private speech, warning that cuts to military aircraft numbers would not only leave us at the mercy of giant gorillas, but also enormous mutant lizards that could emerge from the sea.

“Despite what amateur theorists might assert from their armchairs, aircraft such as Tornados and Typhoons would be vital should we come under attack from creatures that have grown and mutated as a result of secret nuclear testing.”

“It would also be foolish to rule out the possibilty of an attack from a race of technologically advanced aliens intent on enslaving humans and pillaging the Earth’s natural resources.”

“What are we going to protect ourselves with then? Harsh language?!”

Defence cuts

Amateur theorists have been quick to dismiss Air Marshal Anderson’s claims.

“It’s clear that any strikes that the airforce make against an enormous mutant lizard would be ineffective because their thick scaly skin would be resistant to our primitive weaponry.” Blasted one from his armchair.

“And any attempts to defend against alien attack would be futile because they would definitely have force fields to fend off missiles.”

A Department of Defence spokesperson has insisted that the government will take the warning seriously when finalising the details of any cuts being made.

“This government is committed to making tough but fair decisions, and of course we take the threat of giant gorillas, enormous mutant lizards and aliens that bleed acid very seriously indeed.”

“With this in mind we will review Air Marshal Anderson’s recommendations and probably just cut some more benefits instead.”

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