Prime minister David Cameron closed the Conservative party conference yesterday by telling the nation that the country needs ‘You’, before clarifying, ‘No, not you, you’re useless, I mean the guy behind you’.
Seeking to outline a brighter vision amid the row over child benefit and spending cuts, he called for people to “step up” and play their part, but not people like you because that would be a disaster.
“We need you to play a part in the Big Society as we drag this country back to where it belongs. No sir, sit down, I didn’t mean you.”
“You don’t think I’d let a moron like you loose on anything important do you? I made that sort of mistake in appointing a Chancellor, and I’ve learned from mistakes.”
“You’re useless, but the guy sat behind you, yes, he has the drive to succeed we will need if this country is to thrive in the years to come.”
David Cameron speech
The prime ministers call for everyone to do their bit, apart from people like you, has been welcomed by people like you everywhere.
Mike Stevens of Luton explained, “To tell you the truth, I was starting to get a bit worried. No-one likes to be singled out on live television – but thankfully he didn’t mean me.”
“It seems he’s got a thing against unemployed drug addicts with a criminal record who are hibitually lazy. Which is fine, so do I if I’m being honest.”
“Yes, I think I’m pretty confident this country can turn around if everyone does their bit. Well, everyone apart from people like me.”