Wednesday 6 October 2010

Greggs financial results helped by rise in gluttonous bastards


Greggs the bakers has reported a small rise in annual sales despite a difficult trading environment, thanks to significant growth in the number of gluttonous bastards making their way through the doors of their shops.

The UK’s largest bakery chain said like-for-like sales rose 0.2%, thanks in no small part to its new breakfast offering of ‘pig and bread’.

Greggs chief executive Ken McMeikan said, “We’ve long held a strong position in the lunchtime and dinner market, and thankfully our move to offer high-calorie reconstituted meat products for breakfast has gone down extremely well with our customers.”

“Our extensive research has shown that if we open the doors and pump out the smell of greasy baked goods, overweight idiots will come into the store all drooly-mouthed and buy things. Regardless of the time of day.”

“If only we could find the right pastry product to pitch at you while you sleep we could finally become the provider of all your dietary needs.  Well not so much needs, as cravings.  Yes, cravings is a much better word.”

Greggs profits

Greggs has come in for some criticism for failing to offer a wider range of produce, or anything that could once have been described as a vegetable or a fruit.

A spokesperson said, “Offer vegetables? No way, are you mental? They would take away valuable shelf space from luke warm pastry products or iced buns the size of your head.”

“Look, if you can find a way of putting cabbage inside a pastry shell and making it smell delicious, then we’ll think about it.  But for now we’ll stick to pimping heart-attack inducing products that sound vaguely like they were made from an animal.”

Greggs customer David Williams said, “I am a bit conflicted about being a customer, sure.”

“I realise this stuff is terrible for my health, but I also know that Greggs’ success as a business has a direct effect in making Jamie Oliver unhappy.  So yes, I’m going to keeping buying their crap.”

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