Tuesday 5 October 2010

‘Hang on, we get benefits?’ ask nation’s children


Children everywhere have reacted with incredulity after learning that the government has been giving out free money to their parents for many years, simply because they happen to exist.

The government is scrapping child benefit from 2013 for those earning more than £44,000, leaving children everywhere less than three years to enjoy the fruits of their mere existence.

12 year-old Jack Williams said, “It’s called CHILD benefit, not parent benefit, but when do I ever see any of it, eh?  Never, that’s when.”

“I asked for a rise in my pocket money to two pounds a week and was laughed out the room – yet they were absolutely raking it in, thanks to my name.  It’s disgusting.”

“You read about these unscrupulous people who keep their grandparents in squalid conditions just to get access to their pensions – this is exactly the same.  Except one day I’ll be able to put THEM in a home.”

“Now, I don’t want to get anyone in trouble, but we got a new duck house last year – and I think you’ll find my child benefits contributed.  He’s in the garden reading the paper if you want to come and arrest him right now this minute.”

Child Benefit

Children have suggested that the furore over who should – and shouldn’t – get the child benefits would have been much easier to resolve had they implemented a means test based on pocket money.

Jack continued, “My mate Tom gets ten pounds a week. TEN. He clearly doesn’t need any child benefit.  Whereas my measely one pound fifty shows that I am most in need. I am essentially below the poverty line.”

“So you should probably give me his benefits as well.”

“If we’d had control over these benefits all these years we wouldn’t be having an issue now.”

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