Monday 4 October 2010 By Spacey

Stop acting like Americans, America warns Americans


America has urged US citizens travelling to Europe to go against all their instincts when visiting tourist areas and not behave like loud-mouthed obnoxious arseholes.

The warning, which follows the news that  Al Qaeda are planning commando-style attacks on any people who look a bit American, includes guidelines and tips on how to remain safe such as ‘Sit down’ and ‘Shut up’.

The US government said, “We fully appreciate that any patriotic American sat in a restaurant in Europe will consider it their duty to make everyone in the building fully aware that if they were to order a steak back home it would arrive at their table the size of a bouncy castle.”

“But in light of the threat of attacks we would advise them to fight every natural urge in their body, and try to remain quiet.”

US terrorism warning

Americans waiting to board flights to Europe were confident that keeping a low profile wouldn’t be a problem.

Dwight Goldberg, 42, told reporters, “If being quiet is what’s required, then Americans will be the best goddam quiet people in the whole world!”

“If it’s discretion you want then don’t mess with The US,” added another.

“Yeah! Wooooo! USA! USA! USA!” shouted a nearby group while punching the air with their fists.

America has also issued advice to its citizens to avoid certain areas when travelling to Europe.

“We would recommend that anyone travelling to England doesn’t go to Basingstoke. Nothing to do with terrorism, it’s just a dump. Seriously don’t go there.”

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