Lloyds Banking Group have responded to revelations that they receive more complaints than any other bank by insisting it’s because they have the most customers to annoy on a day-to-day basis.
The most common complaint received by Lloyds is the concern that all of its senior management are complete and utter bastards, with the most popular resolution suggested by customers is for board members to douse each other with petrol and set themselves on fire.
Lloyds have defended the results by insisting that the total number of complaints equates to just 1% of their 30 million customers.
“The number of complaints is small in the overall scheme of things,” claimed a Lloyds spokeswoman.
“Of course, in order for a complaint to be logged it first has to be identified. I don’t know if you’ve ever spoken to one of our customer service call centres, but they’d have difficulty identifying themselves let alone a sign of dissatisfaction.”
Call centre workers have reacted angrily to the criticism, with one blasting, “I’ll just pop you on hold while I check with my superviser.”
Although the list highlights that Lloyds receive the most complaints, they do come out relatively well when it comes to closing complaints within 8 weeks, with 97% of complaints completed in the required timescale.
This is in stark contrast to to Santander who failed to resolve over half of the complaints it received with 8 weeks.
“Our policy of ignoring complaints in the hope that they’ll go away doesn’t appear to be working, mainly because we underestimated how monumentally pissed off our customers actually are.” revealed a spokesperson.
A spokesman for the British Bankers’ Association said ” The UK banking industry is committed to its customers and to resolving problems as quickly as possible.”
“Yes, you heard right, I did say that banks are commited to it’s customers, you’re not hearing things.”
“If you think I’m lying why don’t you complain, dickhead?!”
“Erm, did I just say that out loud?”