Wednesday 22 September 2010 By Spacey

Babel Fish to launch online canine translator for moron dog owners


Online language translation service Babel Fish has announced plans to launch a dog translator that will allow moron dog owners to translate canine body language and help them avoid being bitten on the face by their angry pets.

A Babel Fish spokesperson explained, “There are a number of things that morons, specifically stupid children, will need to look out for and hopefully this translation service will reduce the risk of horrific incidents among simpletons.”

The translation service, which follows the release of an interactive DVD that will teach children as young as three how to read dog cues, will require the user to input the dog’s actions and the translation engine will convert this into basic human language which is comprehendible by imbeciles.

“For example if you were to input ‘Shep is jumping up and down frantically and panting heavily’ into the translator it will come back with ‘For Christ’s sake will you let me out into the garden, I’m about to carry out a bowel movement of such ferocity that anyone caught in its path will forever suffer terrifying flashbacks, the like of which are normally associated with a Vietnam war veteran’.”

Dog language

One common area where people can misinterpret canine behaviour is when an animal is bearing its teeth, with many idiots believe that the dog is actually smiling at them.

“If you put ‘Sheba is giving me a big toothy grin’ into the translator this will translate to ‘I’m going to chew your stupid fat face off you moron’, so at this point it would probably be advisable to stop making kissy sounds and run.”

Dr Kerstin Meints, who developed the interactive DVD has welcomed the online translation service, saying “Young children and retards are the most likely to misread the signals given off by their dogs.”

“So hopefully this service will make them aware that a dog that is dragging its anus along the carpet isn’t doing so because it’s playing a funny face duck waddling game, but is actually trying to ease the symptoms associated with having worms.”

“It might be tempting for them to jump on the dog’s back and shout ‘Yeehaa!’ but this could result in them being bitten.”

“Believe me I know,” he concluded, pointing to a scar above his left eye.

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