Monday 20 September 2010 By Andrew Driscoll

We didn’t cheat, we’re just not very good, insists Strauss


England Cricket captain Andrew Strauss was today outraged by the implication his side deliberately lost the third one day international to Pakistan, insisting his team’s capitulation was due to nothing more than a distinct lack of cricketing ability.

Pakistan Cricket Board chairman Ijaz Butt responded to criticism of his own team and the bribes allegedly taken by senior players by telling Indian TV that some England players were paid to lose the last one-day international.

An angry Strauss confronted reporters, saying, “Anyone looking at the history of English cricket, and English sport as a whole, should realise that losing comes very naturally to us.”

“The implication that we have had to make an extra effort in order to lose for money is simply outrageous.  We are extremely proud of our record of always putting 100% into our dismal failures.”

Betting Scandal

During the game in question England lost their last 5 wickets for just 17 runs, but Strauss was insistent there was nothing unusual about this.

“Batting collapses are as English as Wimbledon, Clotted Cream and Philip Schofield, it’s part of our history and an essential aspect of our cricketing heritage.”

However Pakistan representative Ijaz Butt would not back down on his side of the story, “As if we could beat England without financial assistance.  Has anyone actually seen us play this summer?”

“We’d struggle to beat Stockport U-16’s, so does anyone seriously believe we’d beat a full international side such as England without the help of a few bookies?”

Strauss refused to answer any more questions before leaving the ground in a new Porsche Boxter he picked up this morning.

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