Tuesday 14 September 2010

No, you’re special needs, children everywhere tell their teachers


Children across the nation have this morning rounded on their teachers by explaining the reason that they don’t understand all manner of things they should is because they are being taught by remedial teaching professionals.

As a report from schools inspector Ofsted showed that teachers are too quick to label their pupils as ‘special needs’, it has become apparent that in fact it is the teachers themselves that are lacking in the necessary academic skills.

One teacher upset at the findings said, “If a teacher can’t get a point across to a child, it must be the child’s fault obviously. I’m a teacher, so I can’t be special needs.  Can I? Oh god, I’m stupid, aren’t I?”

An education department spokesperson said “Okay, it might be that technically some of the teachers we use are pedagogically challenged, but it’ll be much easier for everyone if we just lump all the poor performing teachers together and label them ‘special needs’.”

“It’s not a better, or worse way of dealing with the situation, just a different one.”

“Don’t worry, there is a place in society for special needs teachers, there are hundreds of inner city comprehensives that will literally let anyone teach a class.”

Special Needs

Under new guidelines, differently-able teachers are expected to receive help from education authorities, with class sizes reduced to ensure they are not spreading their meagre abilities too thinly.

“Those teachers with most severe teaching difficulties will be given a one-to-one pupil, in the hope that such intense contact will allow them to impart even a small amount of academic wisdom.  Hopefully.”

A concerned parent told us, “I guess it’s probably time that we changed the old adage to ‘Those that can, do, those that can’t, teach, and those that can’t teach, teach anyway’.”

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