Monday 13 September 2010

Executive bonuses back to vomit-inducing pre-recession levels


Executives who earn more in a year than you do in a lifetime have seen their bonuses return to the nauseatingly high levels they reached before the financial crisis, a survey by business advisory firm Deloitte says.

The survey found that in an economy that is essentially stagnant, the most imaginative executives have demonstrated excellent levels of business acumen by finding ways to pay themselves 100% bonuses.

As one executive explained, “The fact that we are able to justify such a large bonus in such trying times is testament to our business ability, and shows that actually we are definitely worth these bonuses. If you think about it, the bigger the bonus we negotiate, the more we’re actually worth it.”

“If these companies didn’t pay us these gigantic bonuses, we’d move somewhere else where we would find ever more creative ways to ensure we were paid a massive bonus.  Is that what you want? Because that’s what’ll happen.”

Executive bonuses

The news of a return to massive executive bonuses has been greeted with dismay by everyone who doesn’t receive a massive executive bonus.

Shopfitter Shane Dowry told us, “If anyone deserves a 100% bonus, then it’s me, definitely.  And I’ll tell you who doesn’t deserve a massive bonus, it’s all those people who aren’t me, that’s who.”

“It isn’t fair that these people have the ability to convince others they are worth a vastly inflated sum, when some of us clearly don’t have that ability.”

“What I want is a system where I get everything I want all of the time regardless of what everyone else is getting, and how is the government making that happen for me? Hmm?”

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