Tuesday 7 September 2010 By Gary Stanton

Rooney fit to face Swiss prostitutes, confirms Capello


Casting aside lingering doubts over a groin injury, England manager Fabio Capello believes his talismanic striker is ready to deliver against a formidable line-up of Basle sex workers and is fully aware of the task at hand.

Allegations that Rooney paid up to one thousand pounds a night for a high class call girl is ample evidence of a return to form, insisted the England manager.

It has been over four years since the player’s last outing in a Liverpool brothel and many in the game have begun to question the striker’s commitment to expensive high-risk vaginas and the lurid tabloid headlines that often accompany them.

Seasoned commentator Alan Hansen said, “You look at the latest pictures of Rooney coming out of nightclubs and I’ve gotta say his body language is all wrong.”

“In years gone by the lad would have gone direct to one of the skankiest brothels in town and ended up stayin’ for breakfast. Probably Full English with a fried egg that looks like it’s seen better days.”

“These days he looks like he can’t wait to get home to the wife. If you’re talkin’ about role models, what kinda example is that setting to the youngsters who’re watchin.’ at home.”

Wayne Rooney

Those inside the England camp have said the Rooney’s return to form has come at just the right time, with the Swiss girls expected to offer a much sterner challenge than he faces in a domestic environment.

An FA spokesperson told reporters, “A thousand pounds is a lot to pay, but the Swiss girls will be charging that for a basic hand shandy – no frills.”

“The last time I was there I paid eight Euro just for a Toblerone. A finger up my arse would have cost me another five hundred.”

Meanwhile Capello’s scouts have been doing their homework and have identified one member of the Basle line-up who poses a real challenge to the England dynamo.

“There is a particular lady called Brunhilde who at the age of 56 has tackled some of the best strikers in the game.”

“She has a reputation for keeping things very tight at the back but that shouldn’t worry someone with Wayne’s penetration and track record of scoring with some of the most experienced individuals on the game.”

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