Friday 3 September 2010

Alcohol sales are down because we’ve moved onto the cheap stuff, insist drinkers


As figures from the British Beer and Pub Association (BBPA) showed that alcohol sales in 2009 saw the sharpest year-on-year decline since 1948, drinkers everywhere have insisted it’s because they are getting smashed at home instead of visiting overpriced poncey wine bars and gastro-pubs.

Industry analysts have said that if the figures show anything it’s that we’re simply drinking cheaper booze, with one explaining, “This is a result of the very British desire to get shit-faced at every waking opportunity, weighed up against the very British desire not to be ripped off at every opportunity.”

Regular drinker Paul Shields said, “This time two years ago I’d happily have spent twenty quid on a few pints of Fosters – I know, I was an idiot – but now I can get arseholed at home on Asda own-brand Vodka for less than eight quid.”

“Now, if you want to look through your rose-tinted statistical glasses and tell me this means that as a nation we’re consuming less alcohol, then fair enough – I’m far too pissed to argue with you.”

Drinking figures

The figures also show that many publicans are struggling to convince punters that nearly five pounds for a glass of cider with the novelty of some frozen ice included, is well worth the money.

One publican said, “I don’t understand it, people are definitely spending less money in pubs, yet the streets are just as packed with inebriated arseholes as they’ve ever been. Perhaps even more so.”

A street drunk we tentatively approached told us, “I’m still hallucinating from something my uncle brewed at home for just under three quid a litre.”

“He said it was natural and healthy – he made it from potatoes apparently.”

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