Wednesday 1 September 2010

Trust us, we think you’re both arseholes, says public


As Tony Blair began a personal attack on Gordon Brown in his serialised memoir, the nation was quick to point out that, in fact, everyone actually thinks they are both complete arseholes.

Speaking to anyone bored enough to listen, Blair said that Brown could be “maddening” and had “zero” emotional intelligence, a subject in which he himself has an A* at GCSE level.

He told reporters, “I was considerably better at faking emotional intelligence, and simpletons would regularly believe that what I was saying came from the heart, rather than from a finely-honed script designed to fool simpletons into believing it came from the heart.”

“However Gordon would often try to look sincere, and attempt empathy, but in reality would just look like he was trying to pass wind quietly.  Which he probably was.  He farts a lot.  Did I not mention that?”

Blair Memoirs

Though there has been no official comment from Gordon Brown, it is thought he is delighted to finally be able to use the all-natural scowl he has spent his entire political career trying to cover up.

A former aide said, “His natural facial expression is one of anger and looking like he wants to kill someone, so at least now it’s now an entirely appropriate look.”

The final word has gone to the public, who have moved swiftly to remind the two men that any public feud will only serve to make them appear bigger arseholes that we already know them to be.

One former Labour voter said, “How about they settle this like real men? In the ring, with swords, and a battle to the death.”

“The winner gets the honour, and an instant painless death at the hands of anyone who served in Iraq.”

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