Wednesday 1 September 2010

Ben Collins to be famous for approximately eight minutes


After being revealed as the man behind Top Gears’ The Stig, former Formula Three racing driver Ben Collins is preparing for his eight minutes of fame before everyone realises they actually couldn’t care less who he is.

Publisher Harper Collins today won a legal battle to release Collins’ autobiography in which he will tell the seventeen people who still care that he is in fact, The Stig.

After enjoying his initial eight minutes in the limelight, Collins is expected to schedule his remaining seven minutes of fame for some time later this year with an appearance on either Strictly Come Dancing, I Used To Be A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, or that other one on the ice.

Top Gear fan Ben Wealden told reporters, “I’ve known the Stig is Ben Collins for about four minutes now, and I still think it’s pretty interesting, but I’m about to make a sandwich, after which point I will really struggle to give less of a toss than those people who’ve never watched the show.”

“I was only interested because being told you’re not allowed to know something makes it sound really intriguing. You’ll do everything in your power to find out what it is.”

“Actually, maybe they should try that in schools? If you got all the teachers to refuse to tell the kids anything about Chemistry I’m sure the grades would go through the roof. Again.”

“Of course, then you find out who the Stig actually is and you realise it’s just an average racing driver in a helmet and you go about the rest of your day as if nothing happened – because it hasn’t.”

The Stig

Ben Collins’ outing is seen as a blow to producers of the show who insisted there are millions of viewers who live in a fantasy world in which Jeremy Clarkson’s opinion counts for anything at all, and the identity of the Stig is in fact sacrosanct.

“This is a terrible blow.  The identity of Ben Collins was known only to the three presenters, everyone who worked on the show, anyone who has ever been on the show, anyone who ever met Ben Collins and anyone with access the Internet and a basic knowledge of Google.”

“But this has totally ruined the mystique.”

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