Friday 27 August 2010

Emile Heskey to receive lifetime achievement award for services to barn door protection


Aston Villa centre-forward Emile Heskey is set to receive a lifetime achievement award for a career spent refusing to harm barn doors in any way, shape or form.

Whilst strikers around the world are happy to hit barn doors with reckless abandonment, Heskey has steadfastly stuck to his pacifist principles and left all barn doors in his path completely unthreatened.

As one barn door protection officer explained, “It doesn’t matter if he’s ten, five, or even three yards away, he simply refuses to hit them, and for that ongoing kindness we recognise him with this award today.”

“Emile is a magnificent role model to young footballers that a successful career in football doesn’t mean you have to aggressively hit all barn doors that are put in front of you.”

“You can make a very decent living by missing just about every single one that finds its way into your path.”

Finishing

In a typical act of barn door kindness during Aston Villa’s Europa League exit to Rapid Vienna, Heskey showed just why his so deserving of this award.

He chose to put his shot yards above the barn door from six yards out after a missed Petrov penalty left the barn door at his mercy, and when strikers with lesser moral fortitude would have taken it off its hinges.

“That was typical Emile,” said one barn door owner.

“It would have been so easy to smash the ball into the barn door from that distance, hell, you or I could have done it, but it takes a special kind of footballer to miss it so spectacularly under such pressure.”

“Emile is to barn doors, what Princess Diana was to landmine victims – and long may he continue.”

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