New figures revealing the rise in STD infections in the UK show that in many cases people are being forced to travel dozens of miles for casual, disease-ridden unprotected sex with someone they’ve known for about five minutes.
The statistics show that urban and deprived areas contain the highest number of people who are willing to ride bareback during the four-legged frolic, with many happy to do so for as little as a bacon sandwich and a lift home in a Vauxhall Nova.
The findings also severely undermine the long-held theory among men who have never dated a posh woman, that posh women are definitely the most ‘up for it’ when it comes to standard bedroom practice.
People seeking a quick mechanical screw where emotional attachment is frowned upon, and ‘precaution’ means not doing it under a CCTV camera, have been advised to travel to areas such as Hackney and Lambeth in London – both handy for the tube – and northern towns like Blackpool and Manchester.
The figures highlight a growing level of inequality, with people in more affluent areas facing many years of waiting for the kind of hot no-holds barred action they might witness on the internet or see in pretty much any ITV ‘drama’.
There are also reports of people being forced to relocate their entire lives in order to engage in acts of unspeakable depravity with the type of person who chooses a silhouette as their picture on Facebook.
Sean Davis, from Godalming in Surrey, made a four hundred mile round trip after becoming increasingly frustrated by his girlfriend Tamara’s refusal to engage in even the most basic intercourse, despite being treated to a three course meal at TGI Friday.
“I heard from a friend of mine in Manchester who caught the clap whilst waiting for a night bus. It’s so unfair that the government has created a two-tier society in which there is such a wide gap between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’.”
“It shouldn’t come down to the luck of the draw that someone is forced to live in a postcode area where such encounters are pretty much unheard of.”
“Fortunately, just two hours after arriving at Piccadilly station I’d had unprotected sex with at least four people – one of whom had stamped my ticket – and found myself nursing an uncomfortable itch in the nether regions. It was just like I’d dreamt it would be.”
Professor Cathy Ison from the Health Protection Agency, said, “With ongoing migration among those people whose lives are ruled by their genitals, it is possible that at some point in the next five years we will see every person in the UK having some form of sexually transmitted disease.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me for a minute, I can’t stop going to the loo for some reason.”