Monday 23 August 2010

The 111 emergency number is an excellent idea, for everyone else, says everyone


Absolutely everyone has said that getting other people to use the new 111 non-emergency NHS line is an excellent idea, as it will ensure that when they have an emergency of their own it will be easier to get through on 999.

NHS County Durham and Darlington Primary Care Trusts are to pilot the free 111 number, to act as an alternative to 999 in a move which has been welcomed by everyone who ranks their own emergencies above those of people they don’t care about.

As one Durham resident explained, “I will of course continue to dial 999 because my medical emergencies are actually quite important, but I’m delighted the NHS has brought in this other 111 line for use by people whose emergencies aren’t in the least bit important to me.”

Another told us, “I’m delighted at the news, as I’ve been saying for ages that the NHS should save some money by dealing more efficiently with calls from all those people that aren’t me.”

“This is a good first step along the way to ignoring them completely in order to look after me and my health full time.”

111 emergency number

Organisers of the new number have said they might have made a slight miscalculation in the way that most people rate their own medical emergencies.

An NHS spokesperson explained, “We asked a number of people to give a rating out of ten for the severity of particular medical ailments, both if they were experienced personally, and also if they were being experienced by other people.”

“It seems that personally experienced indigestion rates at 9.7, whilst someone else’s heart-attack comes in a 1.3.”

“I guess we forgot to factor in the assumption that when it comes to being sick, everyone is a sociopathic hypochondriac arsehole.”

Unfortunately, we were unable to get a quote from anyone who said they were actually planning to use the new 111 number.

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