Former Prime Minister Tony Blair is the proud owner of a shiny new clean conscience, purchased with the £4.6m advance he received for a warts-and-all memoir detailing exactly how he left his previous conscience completely guilt-ridden.
The new conscience was bought from the Royal British Legion, who said they would be using the money to build facilities for soldiers left badly injured by decisions made by Blair’s old conscience.
A Legion spokesperson said, “We hear that £4.6m is the going rate for a new conscience, and we’re delighted we had one in stock when Mr Blair came knocking. From what we’ve seen, his old one is pretty much worn out to be honest.”
“We’re still trying to see if we can sell it on eBay though, but there are literally only a dozen or so people on the entire planet who see Blair’s old conscience as an upgrade, and no matter how many bids he makes, we just can’t look past Robert Mugabe’s raft of negative buyer feedback.”
Tony Blair Memoirs
The Royal British Legion has said that the money will be put to good use, but still feels that selling the new clean conscience was something of a Catch-22 situation.
A spokesperson said, “I think the only thing better than spending £4.6m on facilities treating injured soldiers, would probably be to not have any injured soldiers in the first place?”
“So would we prefer to have all this money to spend on new facilities, or should we stop selling clean consciences and not need the facilities in the first place. It’s a tough one.”
Publicity expert Max Clifford said this move could set a precedent for those clients looking to buy themselves a clean conscience in future.
He told reporters, “If you’ve done something truly awful, you could try selling the story of your despicable acts in order to spend that money on buying a new clean conscience from those people most affected by your terrible acts in the first place.”
“It has a nice karmic symmetry to it, don’t you think?”