Thursday 12 August 2010

Of course I’m a commercial fisherman, claims everyone in Louisiana


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BP last night suggested there may be a few fraudulent claims to their $20bn compensation fund, after every man woman and child in Louisiana claimed to be a commercial fisherman affected by the Mexican gulf oil spill.

BP has already given out over $300m in compensation, and has seen claims accelerate in the last few weeks since announcing the scale of their total compensation fund.

A BP spokesperson said, “It appears that by announcing we had $20bn of free money to give away we have attracted the sort of people that are quite keen on getting some free money.  You know, everyone.”

“We estimate that the level of fraud is about 10%, as a man in a bar reliably informed me that no more than 90% of all Louisiana residents are actually fishermen.  The rest just build boats for fishermen.”

Compensation

Despite accusations of fraud, the queue for compensation cheques is still making its way around the block at the location of all fourteen claim centres in Louisiana.

We spoke to one claimant, Richard Goldberg III, who was carrying a briefcase, wearing an Armani suit and had a Blackberry glued to his ear, “Yes, I’m a fisherman, man and boy.  Catching those big expensive fish was my way of life, and BP has completely ruined it.”

“I’ve lost…excuse me, listen Tony, if the revised Williams proposal isn’t on my desk by noon I’ll fire your ass, and I don’t care how much your sick kid’s chemotherapy costs….sorry where were we?”

“Oh yes, do you think they’ll make my cheque out to cash?”

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