Monday 9 August 2010 By Simon Gary

Government considering Sarah Ferguson bail-out plan


Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has today outlined plans for a Government bail-out of the Duchess of York in order to prevent the total catastrophic collapse of the Sarah Ferguson market.

Sarah Ferguson is believed to owe approximately £5m in business and personal debts, which has raised the spectre of bankruptcy for a woman who until the early nineties was just a couple of fortuitous accidents away from the throne.

Following a high-level meeting with palace officials, the Treasury has revealed that funds could be made available to the stricken Duchess as early as Wednesday, in return for a significant part of the Duchess moving to public ownership.

During the meeting to discuss the sums required, the full nature of her financial position became clear, showing a deficit mainly accrued due to her lavish spending and soured personal business deals – deals which palace sources state: “Thoroughly naffed off the Queen.”

Under the terms of the potential bail-out, the Duchess of York would find herself being owned by the British public, with her body being nationalised on a rolling programme between now and the end of the year.

A source told us, “There are a few bits people probably won’t see much value in, but some of those foreign investors will buy any old rubbish.”

Bankruptcy

Financial experts have warned of the consequences should the government choose not to bail out Sarah Ferguson.

Gerald Howarth of Bartleby-Simpkins explained, “If Sarah Ferguson goes under, she takes all of the jobs associated with Sarah Ferguson under too.  We’re talking a personal assistant, someone who looks after holiday booking, a couple of cleaners.  The effects could be quite widespread.”

“Sarah Ferguson plays an important role in our economy, and without access to vital Sarah Ferguson services this country could be on it’s knees by Christmas.”

“Or we just let he go bankrupt and pretend like nothing important has happened whatsoever.”

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