Friday 6 August 2010

Most tax payers ‘already spending’ RBS dividend


After Royal Bank of Scotland, an organisation 84% owned by the taxpayer, announced half-year profits of over one billion pounds, tax payers everywhere suggested they will use the money to buy a new car or take that dream holiday they’d always wanted.

The bank reported a pre-tax operating profit of £1.6bn for the six months to June, compared with an operating loss of £3.4bn in the whole of 2009.

Tax payer Rob Megan told us, “I admit, during the bank bailouts I was absolutely convinced that giving them my hard-earned money was a terrible, terrible idea.”

“But thankfully it’s looking like a pretty bloody good investment right now.  I don’t know what a billion pounds divided by the tax payers is, but I’m guessing it’s enough to buy myself a nice little red soft top for my short run the golf club.”

“Dave next door said he’s just going to pay off his mortgage, the boring bastard.”

Profits

Chief executive Stephen Hester said the bank’s five-year restructuring plan was “on track”, but that people shouldn’t get excited because a billion pounds isn’t very much in today’s money.

“I don’t know what he’s on about,” said tax payer Deirdre Williams, “a billion is the biggest number possible, and personally, I’m delighted to be rich at last.”

“Yes, they talked a lot about the risks of bailing out the banks with my money, but very little was said of the rewards we could expect.  It’s been a very nice surprise indeed.”

“My husband has just cleaned the wheelbarrow so he can go to the branch on the High Street to pick up our share.”

“We’re going to sleep on it tonight, and then tomorrow blow the lot.  We’ll probably get the same again in another six months anyway.”

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