Wednesday 4 August 2010

Scudamore consoles himself over World Cup loss with millions of pounds


Richard Scudamore has said the Premier League is partly to blame for England’s World Cup failure in South Africa, but told reporters he got over it quite quickly when he realised he was making millions and millions of pounds.

Scudamore was facing questions over how the drive to make the Premier League the world’s most nauseating commercial venture has left the England team with fewer half-decent players to select from.

He explained to reporters, “As chief executive of the Premier League I have a choice, a choice of making millions of pounds, or delighting the sort of person who puts plastic flags on their car – and really, that’s no choice at all, is it?”

“To be perfectly honest, I’d happily see England’s world ranking fall ten places behind Togo so long as I can convince the nation’s morons to pay £25 a month to watch the likes of Wigan v Blackpool.”

“Doing what I do means that players like Marlon Harewood can live in ten-bedroomed mansions which are heated solely by burning fifty pound notes, which I personally find far more satisfying than winning a World Cup.”

“Now, if you don’t mind I have some ridiculously overpriced sponsorship opportunities to promote.”

Premier League

Fans have said they are slowly getting used to the new operating environment in which football clubs compete, even if it means having a national team which guarantees a starting place for Gareth Barry.

Manchester City fan David Gallagher told us, “You know, this would be much easier if we started giving out trophies for the national teams which earned the most.  We’d definitely win that one, right?”

“I’m sort of used to it now anyway, and I’m working on a new chant for this season which goes ‘Our balance sheet is stronger than yours and we’re significantly better placed for financial growth than youuuuuu!’.”

“Yeah, I know, it needs work.”

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