Tuesday 3 August 2010

Crozier begins search for idiots willing to pay for ITV4


After announcing a move to Sky’s pay per view platform, ITV Chief Executive Adam Crozier has today begun a lengthy search for anyone stupid enough to pay real cash money in order to watch ITV4 in high definition.

The move to put its HD channels behind a pay wall is a seen as the next phase in ITV’s strategy designed to free idiots everywhere of their disposable income.

Before setting out on his epic search, Crozier told reporters, “Ideally we’re looking for someone who hasn’t seen any original programming for about thirty years, and will therefore treat our schedule as a night of glittering televisual premières.”

“Do you know someone who would be amazed by Randall and Hopkirk Deceased, The Saint, or Minder?  Or someone who really enjoys endless promotional documentaries about Peter Andre and Katie Price? Then point them in my direction. Please.”

“I know it will be tough to find a paying idiot, but people already pay to watch endless repeats on Dave, and at least we have a recognisable brand name behind us.”

“The research tells us that those idiots are out there somewhere, and it’s now my sworn mission to find them.”

Pay Per View

Critics of the plan suggest that Crozier has set himself up for an ultimately fruitless search, thanks to the considerable number of completely free repeats available on all other terrestrial channels.

As one television analyst put it, “The problem facing Adam Crozier is that ITV4 is not a new channel, so the people he is trying to convince to pay for ITV4, have actually seen ITV4.”

“Now, he might be a good salesperson, but can he really sell a dog shit to a man who’s already trodden in a dog shit?  I very much doubt it.”

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