August 2010

Barbara Windsor secures role in Miliband soap opera

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After Labour leadership candidate Ed Balls likened the daily battles between Ed and David Miliband to an ongoing soap opera, Barbara Windsor announced that she has been hired to play the ageing matriarch with an iron fist at the head of the Miliband family.

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Cricket to remain dull despite betting scandal, insists ICC

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The International Cricket Council has moved swiftly to reassure fans of watching men stand around doing little to nothing for long periods of time, that the sport will continue to be excruciatingly dull, despite recent media attempts to make it sound a little bit interesting.

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Emile Heskey to receive lifetime achievement award for services to barn door protection

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Aston Villa centre-forward Emile Heskey is set to receive a lifetime achievement award for a career spent refusing to harm barn doors in any way, shape or form.

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NHS urged to put obesity clinics on top of a hill

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After figures showed a ten-fold increase in the number of operations to assist weight loss among the obese, tax payers everywhere have suggested that maybe the NHS should think about putting some of these hospitals on top of a big hill.

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If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms

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Responding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.

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Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?

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“They don’t bother me. I got in there first and called every company in the world to tell them I didn’t need anything.”

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‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’ sounds much better, say Big Society

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In the first real test of the coalition Government’s ‘big society’ rhetoric, the British people last night voted to amend the name of the Prime Minister’s new baby from ‘Florence Rose Endellion Cameron’ to ‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’.

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Budget affects poorest the most, what do you think?

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“The government has made a massive mistake here. You shouldn’t target the poor, you should target the stupid – they won’t make a fuss. And if they happen to be both, then all the better.”

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Please, please don’t blow up Big Brother house, nation tells Al Qaeda

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According to middle-east television channel Al Jazeera, terrorist organisation Al Qaeda has been sent thousands of anonymous letters and information packages outlining in great detail the easiest way to blow up the Big Brother house.

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Seekers of mind-blowing unprotected sex facing postcode lottery

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New figures revealing the rise in STD infections in the UK show that in many cases people are being forced to travel dozens of miles for casual, disease-ridden unprotected sex with someone they’ve known for at least five minutes.

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