July 2010

Sol Campbell set for transfer to St James’ park treatment room

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Sol Campbell looks set to sign for Newcastle United, in a move which will see him relocate to the treatment suite left vacant since Michael Owen’s departure to Manchester United.

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We know exactly how fast our broadband is, insist single men

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The nation’s single men have responded with disdain to the latest broadband speed research by insisting they know full well exactly how quick their own connection works during peak residential hours.

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Wikileaks confirms Frank at 12 did have fling with ‘fancy woman’ at 16

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Wikileaks last night blew the lid on the sordid carry-on between driving instructor, Frank Wilson, 42, of Horwich, and the woman who lives four doors down from the terraced home he shares with wife Lynn and their three children.

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Alonso celebrates his greatest fixed Formula One victory so far

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Ferrari driver Fernando Alonso last night hailed his Formula One victory at Hockenheim as the greatest fixed result of his career, far outshining his fixed win for Renault in the 2008 season.

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BBC’s One Show to replace Christine Bleakley with Christine Bleakley

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The BBC has announced that Christine Bleakley will be replaced on the One Show sofa by Alex Jones, someone who is, to all intents and purposes, Christine Bleakley.

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BP’s Tony Hayward seeking new scapegoat opportunities

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Professional scapegoat and current BP chief executive Tony Hayward is expected to stand down this week, and is said to be looking for new opportunities to which he can bring his own unique brand of scapegoat expertise.

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Queen barred from BNP garden party

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Reports are emerging that the Queen has been barred from this summer’s BNP Garden party after leader Nick Griffin accused her husband of using her invitation for ‘overtly monarchistic purposes’.

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Shut up! We know loads about doin’ it, insists NUT

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An Ofsted report which claims that teacher embarrassment and lack of knowledge is to blame for the poor standard of sex education in English schools has been refuted by teacher’s union the NUT, who insist its members are brilliant at sex and know loads about it.

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We’ve been really busy with other non-G20 stuff, insist CPS

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The Criminal Prosecution Service has insisted it missed the deadline to bring common assault charges against the officer who hit Ian Tomlinson moments before his death because they’ve been really, really busy for the last 15 months.

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Redknapp claims Gordon Brown can win next election

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Tottenham Hotspur manager Harry Redknapp has stunned the political world by admitting in an interview that he believed Gordon Brown could win the next general election.

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