Chancellor George Osborne has told the MoD that if it wants to buy a £20bn trident replacement, it will have to stop wasting all of its pocket money on sweets, football stickers, and incredibly expensive Euro-fighter jets.
Traditionally, the cost of the submarine nuclear deterrent has been met by the Treasury, usually after days of tearful pleading by senior Ministry of Defence figures – but that is about to change according to the Chancellor.
Osborne told reporters, “It’s time for the MoD to learn some fiscal responsibility, we can’t keep bailing them out forever. They can’t claim they want to be completely independent and grown-up, and them come to us whenever the money runs out.”
“They’ve always just frittered away their pocket money however they like, knowing they could flutter their eyelids at us and we’d give them however much more money they needed for the new fad in incredibly efficient killing machines.”
“But it stops now. I hope people will see that we are being cruel to be kind. They have to learn how to manage their money like the rest of us adults.”
A senior MoD insider insisted the latest move was borne out of malice, telling reporters, “I absolutely hate them and wish they would die! They are, like, totally ruining my life here!”
“All the other defence agencies get to have new submarines and stuff, and they are expecting us to turn up with our old battered Trident. It’s so unfair!”
“They are worst funding organisation in the whole wide world. It would so totally serve them right if I was killed by a nuclear bomb – though I bet they wouldn’t even care.”
“God, I wish I’d never been born!”