Thursday 29 July 2010

Home Secretary demands more efficient punishments for kids to completely ignore


Home Secretary Theresa May has initiated a review of the ASBO programme, claiming she would like to implement a more efficient way of being completely ignored by the nation’s reprobates.

The ASBO was introduced by the Labour government as a way of looking like they were doing something about the packs of feral arseholes that roam the country’s streets, but reports show that over half of those issued have been completely ignored.

The Home Secretary told reporters, “What we need is a punishment that is cheap, easy to administer, and difficult to measure.”

“This will mean that when it is ultimately ignored by the thousands to horrendous individuals it is applied to, it doesn’t seem like such a colossal waste of money.”

“I’m thinking a ‘naughty monkey’ badge made in China, or a couple of hours of quiet reflection time each night, from say 2am to 4am.  Stuff we won’t monitor, report on, or feel bad about when it ultimately fails.”

Anti-social behaviour

The news has disappointed many ASBO-collecting teenagers, who were hoping to complete the set in the near future.

Teenager Wayne Meadows told us, “I hope that whatever it is, it’s something that you can collect. Like football stickers.”

“I’ve got ASBOs for loitering, swearing, and playing my music too late at night.  I still had a few to go, but I was confident of getting the drunken behaviour and spitting ones this summer.”

“Hang on, I still get to keep the ASBOs I already earned though yeah?  I worked hard for them, so I should deffo get to keep them.”

“Anyway, the race is on.  As soon as they announce whatever it is that will replace ASBOs, I will be doing everything I can to be the first on my street to get one.”

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