Tuesday 27 July 2010

We know exactly how fast our broadband is, insist single men


The nation’s single men have responded with disdain to the latest broadband speed research by insisting they know full well exactly how quick their own connection works during peak residential hours.

Ofcom research has shown that just 3% of all customers are getting the advertised speeds, with many settling for performance well below what they have paid for.

Peak Internet user and single man Andy Jones told us, “If you’re online any time before 10pm then you are lucky to get five or six seconds of video without some sort of buffering going on.”

“If you like your ‘actresses’ to do a low rent version of Peter Crouch’s robot then this is fine, but I pay for an 8mb connection, and yet I’m still forced to endure a masturbatory experience I would have been disappointed with in that late nineties.”

“What’s the point in paying for premium high-definition services if the audio sounds like it was recorded by Norman Collier?”

Technology

With the much-lauded advent on TV on-demand, and other high-definition and 3D services in the pipeline, broadband performance is unlikely to improve for specialist consumers like Andy Jones.

“I don’t want iPlayer, I don’t want to shoot virtual South Korean teenagers in the face, I just want smooth-scrolling, buffer-free, easy access filth twenty-four hours a day.”

“Is that really too much to ask for in the year 2010?”

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