An Ofsted report which claims that teacher embarrassment and lack of knowledge is to blame for the poor standard of sex education in English schools has been refuted by teacher’s union the NUT, who insist its members are brilliant at sex and know loads about it.
Ofsted found in more than a third (34%) of the secondary schools visited, students’ knowledge of sex and relationships was “no better than an average Jeremy Kyle guest”, while in a further three schools it was so bad that children still believed babies came from “the stalk”.
However, a spokesperson for the NUT told reporters, “Our members are more than capable of performing sex acts to the required standard and with a satisfactory conclusion for all participants.”
“They know loads of positions like the man being on top and doggy and, yeah, loads of stuff. If the kids aren’t remembering all the stuff we definitely know and have definitely been telling them, then it’s all their own fault.”
A Biology teacher at one of the schools which has come in for significant criticism told us, “My mate Gary reckons licking a girls foo-foo is a bit like licking a 2 pence piece.”
“He also reckoned that once when he was giving this girl oral sex and he got his nose stuck up her bum. You simply can’t learn this sort of stuff anywhere else.”
A spokeswoman for the Department for Education said: “This report from Ofsted is a useful assessment of PSHE lessons in schools.”
“It’s amazing that some pupils don’t even realise that you can get pregnant if you shake hands with a boy after they masturbated.”
“Also, my mate Tasha reckons that if you sneeze nine times on the trot you cum for two whole minutes.”