Friday 16 July 2010 By Spacey

UK workers best at sounding ill on the phone, finds survey


UK workers have topped the European table for pretending to be ill after it was revealed that they account for 20% of the 800 million sick days taken each year across Europe.

The recent study found that workers in the UK had perfected a significant number of innovative methods of sounding ill on the phone, whilst the rest of Europe has been left floundering in the wake of such high-quality bullshitting.

Peter Abelskamp, of Aon Consulting who conducted the study explained, “Stuffing your nose with tissues and coughing may sound like phone sickness child’s play to us Brits, but the rest of Europe are falling short in even the most basic fobbing-off techniques.”

“In the UK you might think ‘the dog ate it’ is a cliché that no right-minded person would use as an excuse, but in Germany it would be accepted in the highest positions of Government as a valid excuse, and would probably lead to several dog trainer recommendations.”

“Our research has also found that the average UK worker has six grandmothers, each of whom dies an average of 2.3 times.”

Difficulty

Employers have been left scratching their heads as they try to pinpoint exactly why so many British workers would rather put their feet up and spend the day blowing stuff up on their Xbox, than tackle another day doing the same mundane tasks over and over again.

One office manager explained, “We’ve tried decorating your work space to represent a country in the recent World Cup, cake bakes, a free lottery ticket for good performance. I mean what else can we do to make people want to come to work?”

“If only they could apply the level of creativity and innovation they use on work avoidance strategies to something work-related, this country could be a global leader in any field it chooses.”

“But unfortunately Jeremy Kyle is meant to be quite good this week.”

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