Wednesday 14 July 2010 by Spacey

FIFA world ranking formula interests UK Government


The UK government has approached FIFA to borrow the mathematical formula used to calculate world rankings, after it proved England have got better despite a series of woefully inadequate results at the recent World cup.

England have moved up one place to seventh in the world rankings, despite failing to beat the USA and Algeria and having their asses handed to them by Germany in the first knock-out round.

A Downing Street source told us, “The fact that the England National team angered the nation with their abject performances, but have still managed to improve their World standing is of great interest to the Prime Minister.”

“Like any responsible government, we are committed to making poor performance appear like success, and this something that FIFA appear to have perfected.”

“If anyone can make losing your job, crumbling schools and shrinking pensions seem like a good thing, then surely it’s FIFA and their magic formula.”

System

Critics of FIFA’s ranking system have claimed that there is in fact no formula and that they actually use a ‘Magic number generator’ shaken by a nude Sepp Blatter in an elaborate ceremony in order to determine a country’s standing.

News of England’s improved placing has been met with delight by supporters who until recently had been disappointed by the abject performance in South Africa.

As one fan put it, “Well done lads! You’ve proved us wrong. We’d spent the last couple of weeks thinking you’re were passionless, overpaid twats, but it turns out you’re better now then when you went to South Africa.”

“Please accept my apologies and I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say you’ve done us proud.”

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