Monday 12 July 2010

Howard Webb learns the Dutch for ‘fatherless pig-dog’


After last night’s extra-time World Cup win for Spain, English referee Howard Webb was given an intensive eleven-to-one tutorial in quality Dutch swearing by losing finalists, the Netherlands.

Webb, who showed the losing Dutch team eight yellow cards and a red, seemed intent on preventing the Dutch players from taking the life of one of their Spanish counterparts.

The Dutch have been criticised for an overly physical approach to the game, after at one point Nigel de Jong pinned down Andres Iniesta whilst Dirk Kuyt attached electrodes to his testicles – an incident Webb deemed sufficient to warrant a yellow card.

Dutch coach Bert van Marwijk told reporters, “People are saying that we were overly aggressive, but nobody on the Spanish side died, did they?  No.”

“Maybe Howard Webb would like to referee a nice girlie-girlie game like netball where nobody ever gets kicked in the chest by a flying midfielder?”

“Anyway, Nigel was just trying to clear Alonso’s chest, as he sounded like he was choking.  There was no time to turn him around and do the Heimlich manoeuvre, so a solid kick to the chest was the only option available to him.”

Lesson

After the game, Webb was surrounded as the each of the Dutch players seemed intent on teaching him their favourite swear words from their native tongue.

Webb told reporters, “It was a bit of an eye-opener at the final whistle, and was a bit like going back to school – I had to stop them a few times to explain I don’t even have a sister, never mind one who works in the adult entertainment industry.”

“But having heard some of the creatures they seem to have in Holland, I wouldn’t mind visiting one of their zoos.”

“I must state for the record however, I have never, nor do I have any intention of ever having sex with any of those animals.”

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