Thursday 8 July 2010

Fat kids are fat because they eat a lot, claim medical geniuses


Medical researchers who have somehow dragged out their project for over a decade have discovered that fat kids are fat due to the excessive amounts of crap they force into their gaping gluttonous mouths.

An 11-year study (that’s ‘eleven’ whole years) of more than 200 children in Plymouth suggests that kids get fat because they eat a lot, rather than the fact that they don’t tend to move their heaving bulk around very much.

The lead author, Professor Terry Wilkin explained, “This project has been about uncovering the modern-day chicken and egg conundrum, which came first, the massive gelatinous child, or the tray full of Bakewell tarts?”

“Well we have discovered, beyond a shadow of doubt, that without that tray of cakes, the child would not be such a fattie.  I know, it surprised us too.”

Surprised

The research has stunned many parents, who had long believed that what they put into their child’s mouths had no bearing at all on their general health.

Sarah Green, mother of three told us, “Are they saying there is definitely a link between me giving my kids sweets whenever they cry, and all of them being little pink round balls of fat?”

“I find that astonishing.  I guess I should be grateful that such research has been done, so that I can learn from it and stop putting sweets and cakes into their mouths whenever they ask for them.”

“I feel so foolish, but no-one had ever suggested this link before, so I don’t feel too guilty.”

Professor Wilkin had the last word, explaining his team’s next ambitious project, “We have secured  a 15-year grant from the Government to study the defecating habits of wild bears in densely-wooded areas, which we’ll begin just as soon as we publish our paper on the religious preference of the head of the Catholic Church.”

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