Wednesday 7 July 2010

US prisons to become significantly more terrifying


The US prison service last night became a significantly more effective deterrent as potential criminals faced the prospect of sharing a cell with Lindsay Lohan.

Lohan has been incarcerated for ninety days for repeated violations in avoiding her court-ordered alcohol-education classes, following a 2007 drug conviction.

Crime in the US almost ground to a halt overnight, with most criminals admitting that although the ‘three-strikes and you’re out’ policy was a little worrying, the prospect of sharing a 6 by 4 foot room for 23 hours a day with Lindsay Lohan is absolutely terrifying.

Seasoned petty criminal Daisy Fenworth told us, “That’s it, I’m going straight. There is no score big enough to compensate for that sort of enormous risk.”

“I would literally rather take an instant lethal injection over three months in a cell with Lohan.”

The crime reduction already has White House officials looking to see which other odious celebrities they could put in prison in order to deter hardened criminals, with Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie currently top of the list.

Effect

The ‘Lohan effect’ has also instantly reduced crime across the UK, such is its strength as deterrent.

Car thief Pete O’Doherty explained, “I live in the UK, and I’m a man, which makes it highly unlikely I could end up in a cell with Lindsay Lohan, but it’s simply not a risk worth taking.”

“I look at that BMW and rather than see a challenge and a couple of hours of fun, I see the pasty face of an incredibly annoying American woman.”

“And what if she started talking about her acting?  Oh God, it makes me feel physically sick just to think about it.”

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