Wednesday 7 July 2010

Northumbria police urged to check the top of their ‘net’ for holes


Northumbria police have been urged to check the net that is tightening around suspected-killer Raoul Moat for holes, particularly any bouncer-sized ones near the top.

The net is said to have been tightening since early yesterday morning, but as yet appears to have caught nothing but a discarded BMX and an old size-eight Wellington boot.

Temporary Deputy Chief Constable Jim Campbell said, “He’s a big catch, so he’ll take a while to land, but the net is tightening, definitely.”

“It’s like a game of cat and mouse, where we’re the fisherman and he’s the fish, and we, the police, are trying to catch him, the alleged killer.  Yes, that’s a good way to look at it.”

“We trust the net, it is a well-trained net, and we’re confident the net will see him captured soon enough.”

“You can’t rush these things, and as the saying goes, ‘slowly slowly catchy massive angry ginger killing machine’.”

Similes

Critics have suggested that such ineffectual use of similes is what leads to a lowering of public confidence in the police force, and subsequently reduced their perceived ability to protect the man and woman on the street.

Local councillor David Sheppard told reporters, “Why all this talk about nets?  Why not describe their operation as a big colander, a colander with massive body-builder sized holes in it?”

“At least people would be able to picture the police operation as it really is – rather than as a flawless exercise in finding a man mountain with a gun, which it so clearly isn’t.”

“To be honest, I’m not sure what’s taking them so long, I’ve seen Moat’s picture, and the only place he wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb would be in the ring at Wrestlemania.”

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