Tuesday 6 July 2010

Employers selfishly insisting on actual qualifications


A recent survey of graduate recruiters has shown that selfish employers are continuing to insist on actual qualifications, whilst instantly dismissing those graduates who studied media, art history, or interpretive dance.

The figures show that most employers are looking for recruits who live in the real world, and have more than a tenuous grasp on the commercial realities now facing them.

As one recruiter for a large consultancy explained, “I need someone I can train to audit a company’s books, whilst relying on them not to convey any financial discrepancy they find through the medium of a silent fifteen minute dance routine using nothing but a leotard and coloured ribbons.”

“You’d be surprised how many graduates want to dance for you during interviews these days.  I blame the X Factor.”

Another recruitment officer at a large blue-chip IT company told us, “Look, we just want someone who can fix our computers.  I’m sure the nuances of pre-Raphaelite art are really interesting and everything, but if you can’t get my email to work then I’m not giving you a job.”

graduate-requirements

The news has left many students disillusioned with their time at University, with some even questioning their choice of degree.

22 year-old graduate Marcus Philpott told us, “I committed four years of my life to this degree in Medieval technology, and now you’re telling me that those seven hours a week were a complete waste of my time?”

“Why did no-one explain this to me when I was applying to do this course?”

“I was absolutely convinced that I would have my pick of plumb jobs after acquiring a 2:2 and the ability to construct a rudimentary water well on pretty much any arable land in northern England.”

“But now it seems I’m completely unqualified to work in the real world, so I’m left with no choice but to pursue the only career left open to me.  Politics.”

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