Tuesday 29 June 2010

Jeremy Kyle desperate to meet Calum Davenport and family


Moron-bater Jeremy Kyle has told ITV executives that he is extremely keen to meet Calum Davenport and his family after admitting their story left him with a ‘bit of a chub on’.

Davenport is currently standing trial for actual bodily harm against his sister, in a case that makes Kyle’s normal shows look like a particularly dull episode of Emmerdale.

A friend of Kyle told us, “This is the alleged tale of a footballer who got drunk, went to his sisters to head-butt her, and she then bit his face.  Then the sister’s boyfriend, who isn’t the father of her first child – because that bloke is in jail – comes round and stabs the footballer in the leg.”

“Jeremy told the researcher to get lost when they first told him the story, he insisted they were making it up.”

“But when they showed him the newspaper reports showing the allegations had been made in open court, it took everything he had just to stifle his massive erection.”

Special

Kyle is said to have been planning a footballers special for a few years now, but so far has struggled to get sufficient interest from the footballers themselves.

“He really wanted to do a special on John Terry’s family.  Adultery, theft, drug-dealing, shop-lifting.  That family is like a whole series wrapped up into a one hour special.”

“We even planned a live DNA test for the fifty-seven children born to Chelsea players in the last few years.  We expected a hit on at least half a dozen of them.”

But now attention has swung back to the Davenport clan, with Kyle insisting it contains the one ingredient that was missing from the Terry family special, ‘violence’.

“Getting caught cheating with your mate’s girlfriend is embarrassing, which is obviously great TV, but being stabbed by your sister’s boyfriend for head-butting her in the face is televisual dynamite!”

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