Thursday 24 June 2010

Dole queues to reek of piss


Unemployment offices around the country are set to reek of stale urine after the government announced a rise in the retirement age, forcing old people everywhere to look for jobs that simply don’t exist.

The move comes as a necessary measure to reduce the spiralling pension costs caused by an ageing population that steadfastly refuses to die as and when expected.

The new rules, which will come into force over the next few years will mean old people will be moving en masse from the Post Office queue to the Job Centre queue, and will take their smell with them.

A government spokesperson defended the change, explaining, “They won’t automatically go on the dole, I mean, there are loads of jobs out there for 65 to 70 year old people, right?”

Regular job centre user Dave Williams told us, “Have you ever been to a job centre?  The stench of stale piss will be a blessed relief to be honest. It’ll make a nice change to have the soul-destroying desperation of the whole experience broken up by the offer of a Werther’s Original.”

“I must warn you though, the moment one of them starts telling how great everything was in the sixties I’ll have no choice but to have their piss-drenched ass thrown out.”

Post Office

An unexpected benefit of the new rules will be that Post Offices immediately start smelling a bit better on pension day.

Post Office manager Terry Jones told us, “Yeah, pension day is a bit eye-watering, it’s true.  But you do get used to it after four or five years.”

“It will be nice to have a post office that doesn’t smell like a colostomy bag for one day a week, and it’ll be good for the economy too.”

“I mean, what better incentive is there to find work, than to avoid standing in a puddle of old person piss every week?”

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