As Chancellor George Osborne outlined a number of austerity measures designed to reduce the country’s fiscal deficit, cider drinkers everywhere insisted things are nowhere near as bad as everyone is making out.
With VAT to be raised to 20%, child benefit frozen and the Queen forced to get by on just £7.9m a year, the budget has hit many where it matters, in the pocket.
However, the reversal of a planned duty hike on cider ‘makes it all better’ according to fermented apple enthusiasts across the country.
Somerset-based cider drinker Greg Wimple explained, “It’s about time the plight of cider devotees was addressed, and I’m glad to see this important demographic has finally taken centre stage on the political landscape.”
“Yes, it’s a time for belt-tightening, but I’m glad the government recognised that even in time of severe economic stress, us cider drinkers should be treated differently.”
“Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to get shit-faced in an orchard. For about 10% less than I thought.”
Another group pleased with the nation’s belt-tightening are the nation’s smokers, many of whom had expected to be hit hard by austerity measures outlined by the Chancellor.
Smoker Kevin Wilson, 34, wheezed, “I’m absolutely delighted that there’s been no increase in duty on fags.”
“I’ll be honest, when he froze the child allowance I shit a brick, I mean, it’s not what you’d call politically savvy to take the money used to put food into the mouths of the nation’s children and give it to smokers instead – but George Osborne clearly likes to do things differently.”
“For years the Government has been subsidising things like sport, healthy eating and other stuff us smokers couldn’t give a rats chuff about, so I suppose these desperate made him realise it’s about time they subsidised us too.”
“He’s like a nicotine stained super-hero as far as I’m concerned, and may his reign by a really, really long one.”