Monday 21 June 2010

West to provide Al Qaeda with list of godless infidels it wouldn’t mind losing


As the UK servicemen death toll in Afghanistan reached 300, the West has said it would be happy to meet Al Qaeda halfway and provide a list of godless infidels that it wouldn’t mind losing.

The prime minister said it was a moment for the whole country to reflect on the sacrifices the armed forces make, and how much better it would be if we volunteered up a few easy targets for Al Qaeda to take pot shots at instead.

A military strategist explained, “Our research tells us that the Al-Qaeda ‘jihad’ makes no mention of which western infidels they must destroy in order to secure their path to Heaven, so we’re confident this is an acceptable compromise that will suit both parties.”

“If you look at it objectively, then this is a perfect example of a win-win situation in its very purest form.”

“Al Qaeda get to take out a number of symbols of decadent western imperialism, and we get to quietly trim away some of parasitic shits feeding on the underbelly of our society.”

“We’re thinking Paris Hilton, Katie Price, Simon Cowell, people like that.  Certainly no-one important, or anyone making a reasonable contribution to the betterment of society.”

Plan

The offer will see British intelligence sending out fake invites to a nightclub opening for Hilton and Price, whilst Cowell will be told about a mentally-deficient child with the voice of an angel who is willing to do exactly as he says, all of the time.

“These are offers that they will simply not be able to resist.  Then all we do is provide Al Qaeda with the address and ‘boom’ – the bomber gets to Heaven, probably – and we don’t lose anyone important.”

A statement read out on Al Jazeera television suggested that the Al Qaeda hierarchy find the offer attractive, with certain caveats.

The statement read, “We will agree to take Cowell, but only if you include Louis Walsh.  Though if you give us Walsh, then we’ll happily take care of Jeremy Kyle as a freebie.”

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