Monday 21 June 2010

Shock as footballer employs sarcasm


England’s Wayne Rooney has threatened to rewrite the book on modern footballers after demonstrating an alarming aptitude for the use of sarcasm after England’s draw against Algeria.

After Friday’s dismal draw against Algeria, Rooney told a cameraman, “It’s nice to get booed by your own fans isn’t? That’s what loyal support is all about,” causing confusion among millions of fans who had previously thought of booing as a ‘bad thing’.

England fan Terry Watkins said, “I wasn’t sure I’d heard him at first, but it seemed to me that that he was saying he quite liked the booing, and could we do some more of it please.”

However, Rooney was forced to issue an apology for his outburst, as England team management moved quickly to explain it was actually sarcasm and we shouldn’t start booing at every opportunity.

His statement read, “I’m sorry for any confusion I may have caused, and I would like to make it clear to all England fans that I don’t actually like being booed, or booing in general, and I apologise for my confusing actions which might have made you believe I did.”

England coach Stuart Pearce told reporters, “You see, he didn’t actually mean it’s nice to hear booing, he was saying he and the other players didn’t like the booing – but he was doing it through the vehicle of sarcasm – which we had previously thought impossible.”

“We were all sure that Wayne thought sarcasm was that thing you reached at the end of intercourse.”

Intellect

The use of sarcasm among footballers is a rare phenomenon, with many academics excited by its recent appearance.

Professor Richard Kimble of the London Institute of Institutions explained, “Sarcasm is often referred to as the lowest form of wit, yet the highest form of intellect, which is why we so rarely see it deployed by modern footballers – at least not by any of the good ones, anyway.”

“To put this incident into context, a footballer using sarcasm is like finding a monkey that built an iPhone app.  You wouldn’t believe it unless you’d seen and heard it with your own eyes.”

“We’re excited at this development, and we’re pretty sure that any day now this squad might reach the next phase of evolution and actually become self-aware.”

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