Tuesday 15 June 2010

Lady Gaga’s World Cup Diary


In the first of her new columns here at NewsArse, pop icon Lady Gaga shares her impressions of the first days of the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, and her hopes for the rest of the tournament.

“Hello sports fans!  I am absolutely loving the World Series of Soccerball at the moment – the drama, the excitement, the colourful displays worn by the wisely-chosen BBC studio guests.

The big talking point so far has been the traditional vuvuzelas which can be heard at each game, on each street and across every city – with many fans around the world appearing to think they sound like a really bad school concert, or a perpetually dive-bombing kamikaze pilot – but I have to say that I absolutely love them!

I think the vuvuzelas are amazing.  I’m already planning on using them on my next album – not to play, but to wear them as a hat.  It’s a look I can carry off quite well – not that I like to blow my own trumpet (which I can’t do anyway because I don’t have one and anyone who says different is lying).

I mean, who are we to tell the Africans that their monotone trumpets are an insult to our ears? No-one, that’s who.  Which is why I don’t listen to people when they say I am an insult to their ears.  Everyone has the right to make hideous noises, I’m just fortunate enough that my noises appear on iTunes.

Next time you are asked for a two pounds a month to go to Africa, remember, without your contributions their plastic instruments might be limited to just one ear-splitting note.

My lovely new vuvuzela hat

My lovely new vuvuzela hat

Here in the USA (“USA USA!”) we have been celebrating our 1-1 victory over Great Britain like so many of the other victorious stalemates in our illustrious history. I am a bit to young to remember our victory over North Vietnam, but I am told that this result was actually much the same as this one.

I had a bet with Lily Allen that the loser would get their cock out on Oxford street – well Ms Allen, I hope your as good as your word and your member is seen waving from Regent Street to Bond Street before week is out!

Like many of you, I am disappointed by the lack of end-zone action in the face-offs we’ve seen to date.  I’ve always said soccerball would be better if you could pick the ball up and run with it, and I’ve seen nothing to persuade me otherwise.  I was chatting to Sepp Blatter at the urinals the other day and he tends to agree with me – expect to see a rule change any day now!

Right, I must go, as I am due to watch New Zealand v Slovakia in a minute, and I hear the Hobbits of Mordor are quite tasty.

Chat soon!”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: