A Leicester man this morning shocked the nation by declaring that he had not heard a single Robert Green joke following Saturday’s goalkeeping howler against the United States.
James Turbitt, 28, watched the match along with millions of others, but has had limited contact with others since the final whistle blew at approximately 9:30pm on Saturday evening.
He told reporters, “No, I’ve not heard a single Rob Green joke. My phone ran out of battery, and I simply forgot to charge it. I didn’t watch much telly after the game, and then I read a book for most of yesterday. Why, are there some funny ones out there already? Man, that’s quick.”
Turbitt went on to confirm he hadn’t heard the one about the team being ‘right behind Green’, or the one about wishing John Terry had slept with Green’s missus, or even the highly derivative Rob Green condoms which ensure you won’t catch anything.
“I feel like I’ve missed out on an important part of this country’s history. The race to forward a joke written by someone else to all of your friends is an integral part of defining what it is to be a man in modern Britain.”
“If only I hadn’t started reading that bloody book. I knew this wasteful hobby of mine would one day bite me on the arse. But I’m sure I can still come up with something original, though.”
“Has anyone done a joke comparing Green’s ‘spill’ with that of BP? Yeah? What about ‘dropped balls’, maybe something about Justin Bieber? Wait, that’s been done too?!”
“I swear to God this won’t happen again. Next time an England player does something embarrassing I’m going to spend the next 24 hours glued to my phone and computer like absolutely everybody else.”