New Chancellor George Osborne yesterday outlined plans in which members of the public will have complete control over which testicle is cut from their body as part of the Government’s planned cutbacks.
Osborne made clear that although the impending cuts will be painful, everyone will have a say in exactly how those cuts are made, and to which bits of your anatomy.
He told reporters, “It’s important that the public is involved in this decision, and as such, we feel it is only right they get to choose which testicle we look to cut back on.”
“Nobody wants to lose a testicle, but for the health and prosperity of the country, we need to cut approximately 20 million testicles – and you get to help us choose which ones should go.”
The Conservatives insist that although these measures might seem painful, both figuratively and literally, it is the only course of action a responsible Government can take.
Prime Minister David Cameron explained, “The Labour government would have you believe that everyone could keep their testicles exactly as they are today, whilst in the background the nation continues to create an every growing mountain of testicles, but let me tell you that road leads to ruin.”
“I assure each and every one of you that we are in this together, and myself and the Chancellor will be at the head of the queue when it comes to testicle cut backs. Well, maybe not the front. Or even queueing. But we’ll almost certainly be involved. Probably.”
There are concerns among the opposition ranks that testicle cutbacks will be disproportionately large against those with less testicle volume in the first place.
Shadow Chancellor Alistair Darling explained, “It would have been fair if they’d said everyone loses one full testicle, but no, they’ve got plans to cut a specific volume of testicle, regardless of how much testicle you have to begin with.”
“This is just another nod to their many large-testicled supporters, who know they will see just a small chunk taken from their oversized gonads, whilst many of those less well-off in the genital area might also see some taken from their one remaining good one.”
Osborne concluded by saying, “We’re not ignoring women by the way, they will be asked to lose something as important as a testicle, like an arm, or a leg.”