Monday 7 June 2010

Cowell wins BAFTA for outstanding contribution to morons


Professional imbecile-herder Simon Cowell has been honoured by BAFTA with a special award in recognition of his outstanding contribution to morons everywhere.

The news comes shortly after the latest series of Britain’s Got Retards ended with everyone pretending they only watched it to see acts with some semblance actual ability.

As one viewer explained, “It’s a bit like going to the circus – sure, ostensibly you might pretend you’re going to see the incredibly skilful trapeze artistes.”

“But let’s not pretend that the real reason we’re here isn’t to see the bearded lady and the man with four noses.  We love our freaks, and nobody humiliates freaks and morons for our entertainment better than Simon Cowell.”

“And it’s about time he was recognised for his contribution to ensuring that morons can be famous too.”

Opportunity

A Bafta spokesperson explained the award by saying, “Without the intervention of Simon Cowell, the nation’s deluded idiots would still be stood in their gardens barking at the moon, but now we can put them on stage for entertainment of millions of home-based idiots.”

“He has transformed the television from a domestic social tool, into the equivalent of that dirty tent in the far corner of the travelling circus, and for that we recognise his achievements tonight.”

In accepting his award, Cowell paid tribute to those who had inspired him to create his award winning shows.

He said, “Many years ago I witnessed something that inspired me to create shows in this format, and it’s all thanks to a group of noisy drunks tormenting a hungry tramp.”

“They offered to buy his dinner if he’d do a funny little tramp dance for them.  And dance he did, both terribly, and much to the amusement of those drunks.”

“Ever since witnessing that magical moment I dreamt of making a show which combined the humiliation of the completely oblivious, with the smug feeling of superiority for the viewer.”

“And thankfully I made that dream a reality, and you people clearly love me for it.”

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